Thursday 24 December 2009

Oh, darlings!

Christmas cometh!

Oh, my loves, it's Aunty's most favourite season - entirely devoted to eating, drinking, wearing fabulous outfits, bearing gifts, and kissing everyone. What on earth could be any better? A merry, merry, merry Christmas to you all, my loves!

Aunty
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Tuesday 15 December 2009

Jay-Z and Uncle Lush

Is it MTV, or is it porn? It's a fine line.

And talking of fine (see what I did there?) - I just saw Beyonce's new video, the one with Gaga. Isn't Jay-Z quite the luckiest man? Second to Uncle Lush, obviously.

Obviously.

Aunty
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Dogs are people too. Or something.

I was in Sainsburys, and I saw that they're selling dog treats; rawhide in the shape of Christmas trees. That's all well and good, but the packaging seems a little odd: it states:


"Treat me. Eat me."


I have nothing more to add.

Aunty
x

Monday 14 December 2009

i am tiring of telling you

you are driving a car. get off the phone get off the phone get off the phone get off the phone get off the phone get off the phone.


thank you.

Saturday 12 December 2009

Tiger Woods....not sure he's got the hang of this

I see Tiger's giving up golf so that he can concentrate on his family. I don't think that it's the golf that was the problem. Uncle Lush has said he thinks that perhaps Tiger's giving up the golf to spend time at home, since if he's not travelling, he's unlikely to stray. I don't agree. I think if you're going to be a dog, you'll do it whichever town you're in.

Good evening to y'all. Remember: if you can't be good, be careful.

Aunty
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Friday 11 December 2009

A reprieve!

The accountant was due to come round this afternoon - he's a nice enough chap, and has a brain the size of Heathrow, but really; it's not the most fun I've ever had. Anyway, he's phoned to say he's delayed in a meeting and won't be able to come today. Hoorah! Lunch, and then a spot of shopping! If life throws one these opportunities, it would be rude to ignore them.

Love, as ever, and a little bit of delirium at an unexpected jaunt

Aunty
x

Thursday 10 December 2009

Hot cockles

Aunty was invited to the local primary school's nativity play last night - what with me being a pillar of the community, and all that. I'll tell you: a room full of dazed and confused five year olds, wearing white sheets and silver tinsel halos, singing "we love thee Lord Jesus", will warm the frostiest of hearts.

Mmmm, hot cockles.

Tuesday 8 December 2009

Check your nuts

Wise words.

Aunty's car was serviced, and Uncle and I went to collect it this morning. Aunty would have hopped in, stuck on some Fountains of Wayne, and sped off. Uncle checked the wheel nuts, though, and noticed that two of them were loose. Saved my bally life, he did!

Then I drove off behind an H-reg Peugeot 205. I'm a little high from the old-school fumes. It's lovely.

Oh, and one other thing: don't do a three point turn in the middle of a crossroads. You know that doesn't make sense.

Love as ever

Aunty
x

Monday 7 December 2009

I will climb in through the sun roof and slap you with my handbag

I have chosen which handbag I will use; a beautiful black silk 1940s-style handbag with a silver clip.

Some of you were obviously not paying attention to the earlier lesson about how to use roundabouts, but I'm not teaching to the lowest common denominator so you can just read back through to remind yourselves.

Here's a thing, though: THE OBSTRUCTION IS ON YOUR SIDE. So bloody well pull over and let me through. If the obstruction is my side, I pull over. It's just how these things work. Similarly, if a car is driving along a narrow road, which is wide enough only for a parked row of cars each side and a car driving down the middle, do not turn in to the road and then DRIVE STRAIGHT AT ME.

And lastly: get the hell off your phone. I swear to God, I will climb in through the sun roof and slap you with my handbag. And you know which one I'm talking about.

That is all.

22 posts and flagging

I was all gung-ho about this in the beginning, wasn't I? And now I've waned a little. I've been ignoring all the little birds in the Facebook and Twitter nests, also. I ought to feel guilt, but it's not something I really go in for.

I have nothing to report, is the thing. I suppose I could make something up. Oh: talking of making things up, I've decided to name the other aunty "Aunty Two Drinks". She knows who she is. Well: obviously. It'd be a rum do if she had no idea.

Saturday 5 December 2009

Don't trust wine bottles

What a lot of bollocks is talked on wine bottles. "Ideal with fish", "ideal with pasta". Wine is good with breathing in and out. And with hunks of cheese and some salty rice cookies from Julian Graves.


That is all.

Tuesday 1 December 2009

The secrets of a superstar body. Do not ask me to divulge the source of this information

Darlings; Aunty has become privy to some rather fabulous information. A certain superstar friend has related to me how she very easily dropped two dress sizes. And it's something that's entirely achievable.

It's simple: all she had to do was to hire a nanny to look after the kids; a cook to prepare healthy and nutritious meals, and hide the Haribo; and a housekeeper to do all the cleaning. Then she had a gym installed in her home, and hired a personal trainer with whom she worked out for six hours every day.

So really, loves, there's no reason why we ought to sit around making excuses about why we're not a size six. It's so bloody, soddingly, simple. If you're richer than sin and more pampered than a Hollywood chihuahua.

Pah.

Glass of wine and some Toblerone, anyone?

Aunty
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Weren't the 80s super?

Aunty's currently playing - and playing, and playing, and playing - a new record (I will not refer to them as CDs, even if they are). 1980s electro-pop. And it is glorious.

A little known etymological fact: the word "nonchalant", of French origin, was not integrated in to the English language until 1981, when music-journalists needed an adjective to describe the faces of the audience members in the TOTP studio.

When I am Queen of The World, this will become a fact.

Imagine: some of you are too young to know what I mean. Some of you are too young to know what TOTP stands for. Good for you.

Another useful acronym: Omo. It was a brand of washing powder, which "adds brightness to whiteness". Women - allegedly, I couldn't possibly comment - used to put the box of washing powder on their window ledge, as a secret code to alert their boyfriends that their husbands were not at home. Omo = Old Man's Out.

Knowledge, eh. Aunty's full of it. Even if some of it is completely made up.

Have a splendid day, darlings. It is, after all, DECEMBER! The decorations are up, the mulled wine has been opened, the Christmas crooners CD has been played. Let the lushing begin!

love as ever
Aunty
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