I've got supermarket madness. Forgive me.

Well first of all: to those of you who've been re-directed from the other version of me on Facebook: welcome. Aunty was created during some drunken Facebooking; my inner Lush is unleashed. And, as Aunty, I discovered the fact that the internet will allow me free rein to blather on, and that's what I'm about to do. Hold on to your grots: Aunty's displeased.

So: first of all: 30 mph in a 50 zone. That's the spirit! Happy to be behind you, staring at your faded "I saw the lions at Longleat" car sticker!

Then - what the hell is the attraction in supermarkets? Women - and this isn't a sexist statement because (a) I'm a bird and (b) the offenders were all women; I saw them and you didn't, so you can't prove otherwise - stroll around supermarkets. STROLL. As if they're taking a wander, admiring the crowded spires of a university town, or breathing in the lilac-scented air on a warm summer's day. It's a freakin' supermarket aisle. Choose a type of toilet roll, and move on, people. Trust me when I say, there's really nothing to see here.

I should interject that I can't shop without my iPod to preserve my sanity. At this point Hallelujah (the real, Buckley version, not that Burke copy) came on. It was all I could do not to sit on the floor and weep copiously.

Then I got to the tills, and as I stood there, I thought: there are fifty tills here. We could get a really good Mexican wave going while we wait. Then I realised that the supermarket mania had kicked in. That, and I was listening to The Wombats, which had perked me up rightly.

Then I unloaded my groceries, got in my car, and reversed. Well thank goodness Aunty pays close heed to her mirrors. BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NEW FASHION OF WALKING DIRECTLY BEHIND REVERSING CARS? SOME KIND OF SUPERMARKET-INDUCED DEATH WISH?

I mean: I can understand it. But that's why we have Valium, loves.

Anyway: Aunty is home now, safe and sound. I'll unpack the gin first and the rest can wait till later, I'm sure. Milk doesn't curdle for at least a couple of hours in a centrally heated house.

I hope you have a splendid Monday, loves. I really do.

love always
Aunty
x